Exactly a year ago today we were about to embark on our first round of IVF. Had I known that our first try would result in a healthy baby I would have wept. But at that time I was scared, desperate, and had no clue what was in store. I’ve learned a lot this past year, and I’ve been wanting to share some of the major lessons from my experience. I’ve waited this long because I was too superstitious to share during my pregnancy.

Now that William is finally here and safely in my arms,  I’m in a place mentally where I feel comfortable sharing a few of the major lessons I learned. I shared details about the IVF process earlier, but not so much the mental hardships an infertility diagnosis can bring.

More importantly I want to highlight things that many people do not realize about the infertility journey that are important to understand if you or someone you love are going through this.

I should have seen a therapist.

Besides infertility, I also struggle with numerous chronic health issues. One of which has no cure, and its always made me fear that I couldn’t carry a child. Doctors always told me “well just have to see how things go!” Because of this I always strongly felt that I needed to have children sooner in life rather than later to give my body the best chance of being able to carry a child to term and for my own health. Even if I wanted to wait for children later in life (which honestly I did), I knew I wouldn’t have that luxury because of my health issues. So when it took years to get pregnant I became increasingly anxious and was devastated. Realizing that my body had failed me yet again set me on a path to panic attacks, depression, and anxiety.

Because my other health condition is unpredictable, I not only battled with the unknown of when my next flare would be, but also the unknown of infertility. I had no clue if the procedures would ever work, and, if I did get pregnant, would I be able to have a healthy pregnancy because of my healthy history?

I’m not ashamed to say that the combination of these two stresses nearly broke me. To cope, I found myself withdrawing from a lot of the things I enjoyed because I just didn’t have enough mental or physical energy to deal with everything.  I probably could have handled this better and absolutely should have seen a therapist. But I also know that I did what I needed to do for myself to survive, and don’t apologize for it.

The stress of any medical challenge is hard, and when you begin to layer additional conditions on top of one another – its impossible not to struggle. The one thing I wish I had done is gotten help instead of trying to work through things alone. So if you find yourself in this boat get help.

I should have gone straight to a specialist.

Infertility doctor visits usually start with a visit to your normal gynecologist. We did some initial testing and things came back “normal.” And this just didn’t sit right with me, because I knew things were not normal. Something was wrong, my gut knew it, but my doctor just thought we needed more time. Tell that to someone whose life has been on hold for two years, not fun.

Since everything seemed normal they put me on clomid, which is a very common drug and usually the first things doctors try for those struggling to conceive. And it usually works for most women, though it can come with some pretty crazy side effects. Well to say this treatment was an utter disaster for me would be an understatement.  Some women may have no effects, while others, like me literally go crazy. Whatever this drug did to my hormones I was a monster for a month…ask Ted. I could hardly control my emotions, and they were so intense! I remember getting so mad at Ted over something that I threw a potted plant at him. It was horrifying and 100% not me. To make matters worse this drug actually made me not ovulate and gave me massive ovarian cysts that forced me to stop all fertility treatments for a few months. My doctor simply said we’d try another around with the same drug once I healed, and I did not like that answer.  

After that experience I knew we needed more specialized help and that my issues were more serious than a simple pill could fix. So I found a reproductive endocrinologist at the Fertility Centers of Illinois and had such a better experience there. Reproductive endocrinologist (RE’s) are focused on infertility and focus solely on getting their patients pregnant. I was shocked at how thorough and efficient they were at my first visit. In fact when my doctor did my work up, she did additional tests that my OB didn’t do and found out I had a separate issue that required surgery. While I wasn’t happy to find out that I needed surgery, I was grateful that she was investigating everything.

My lesson learned here? Don’t waste time and go see a specialist sooner rather than later.  Had I stayed with my gyno for a few months, I wouldn’t have gotten the more specialized care that I needed. I also would have never known that I needed surgery. Trust your gut and if you need a specialist – go.

Infertility treatments are a privilege.

IVF isn’t an option to everyone often because of its immense costs. Unless you’re lucky enough to be able to afford it (do you know any normal person with up to 30k lying around?), have an insurance plan that covers some of it, or live in one of the few US states that mandates some form of infertility coverage….many many couples are left mortgaging their homes, taking out loans, or forced to accept life without the children they hoped for. It’s unfair and outrageous that infertility treatments are seen as elective despite the fact that many people need them due to legitimate medical issues that impact their fertility.

We were lucky enough that my insurance plan at the time covered one full round. Illinois is also one of the few states that mandates some form of infertility coverage so we actually went out and bought a secondary insurance plan to cover more IVF rounds if we needed them. Most people do not have these options or cannot afford this. This isn’t just a medical and mental struggle, it becomes a financial one too. And it makes the stakes of treatments very high and compounds the stress.

Infertility impacted my pregnancy.

I really struggled in my first trimester with anxiety. The fact that our one and only embryo was all we had made me terrified of miscarriage, which occur in 1 in 4 pregnancies. It made each passing week of the first trimester a very scary time for me. If my pregnancy failed I’d have to do everything over again and we’d have to make sure we could afford more rounds. I honestly didn’t know if I could mentally do that again. What made it all worse is that all of this was out of my control.

Many women battling infertility are robbed of the joy of a positive pregnancy test and often do not share their pregnancies for much longer than the typical twelve week mark (I waited till twenty).  We know what can happen, we know the stakes are high, and we know what we have to go through should the pregnancy not progress.

If you have someone you care about who was lucky enough to get pregnant after infertility treatments, don’t ever for a second think that they are “healed.” That’s not how this works. If they want more children, the unknown of if they can grow their family will continue to linger and is something I’ve seen many in the community continue to struggle with.

The mental struggle is harder than the physical.

There is a massive misconception out there that people can just “do IVF” if they struggle to conceive and that IVF ensures a healthy live birth. Oh how I wish this was true.

IVF is a big deal. It’s intense. It’s invasive. It’s expensive. It’s the last option in the arsenal of infertility and it’s something every woman fears when they realize they need help getting pregnant. No one wants it to get to that point. I certainly didn’t. I was terrified of it, the needles, the time commitment….but what made it even scarier is that it’s the most aggressive treatment there is and if that doesn’t work, that’s it. Most couples actually have to do a numerous  rounds before they see success.

There are plenty of couples that go through round after round only to be met with negative pregnancy tests, chemical pregnancies, miscarriages, still births. There is no guarantee that things will work.  And this is something you have to face and come to terms. It’s not just about getting pregnant. It’s about carrying that child for nine months and safely delivering a baby. No easy feat.

I share all of this because while infertility is tough, its the physical symptoms that are often the easiest to handle. What’s worse is the mental struggle, the anxieties, the unknown that really test your strength. Like any hardship in life you learn from it, and hopefully get stronger from it. But it doesn’t make it any easier to go through.

Well, if you’ve made it this far thank you for reading ! This is an issue so close to my heart and I want to make sure to break the stigma around this topic and help people understand what their loved ones may be working through.